Turbulence
It’s common knowledge among those who know me well (and now those who don’t but read this blog) that I suffer from a debilitating disease. Time, is running out. Even as I type this.
The gestation period for the plague I bring with me, took well over a decade and a half to manifest and the condition of the virus now remains for all to see. I don’t know how many stages there are to my disease, but it’s getting progressively worse.
There are days, when I feel not particularly encouraged to continue with this existence I’ve woven for myself. My malady, comes to the rescue – it helps alleviate my ennui and divert my mental decline even if t’is transitory.
Counsellors can play a pivotal role – for there is no known cure at the genetic level (I know there’s been a bit of research about this to no avail). The germ affects virtually every aspect and function and impacts also my family. They watch helplessly as I ebb further into the web of pretence and virulence without so much as a raft to tide me over.
I contracted this seemingly innocuous virus eagerly – knowing somewhere at the back of my mind that it would bring more misery than it does joy. Of course, a dose of the right kind of medication can bring momentary relief. Just as well.
So here I am, fessing up to what a few have known about me. The virus, as it matures, invokes in me a series of irrepressible moments of dementia – I lose reticence and better judgement for a few hours every week. Sometimes, multiple times a week. In this crusade, I stand alone – cutting a rather pathetic figure since losing to this macabre seduction is a forte.
The financial instability of my predicament makes it a woeful proposition to feed my greed. If I continue my decline at the rate currently benchmarked, I run into a very real fear of insolvency. Heck, they don’t even offer insurance for my ailment.
In the throes of a full blown attack, my pupils dilate instantly. The heart rate increases as does my temperature. The grip is vice like and almost ready to move mountains. I experience, a rush of adrenaline and frankly, feel invincible. Sometimes, beads of sweat dot my iridescent hairline and the pallor assumes a glow – just like the flame that flickers with an unrestrained luminosity just before it dies.
A seizure can last from a few minutes to a few hours. My furtive imagination conjures up the best it can at these moments to much chagrin of those who sire me. But then, day tripping is a vocation I excel at.
My hallucinations have broadened enough to include other geographical & cultural deficiencies; taking excursions to experiences as yet alien have become commonplace. Verses and prose stockpile in the cabinet of my mentality and I file away my unfulfilled desires in the backend of my mind. Retrieving this information has never been the challenge, but storage is getting to be a squeeze.
The will to give in is stronger than the one that dictates I abstain. This malady is my morphine from languor and disenchantment as also those revolting adjectives I’ve come to correlate with myself. Riding the wave of descent sends me into an orbit of delirium. With a little luck, I lose myself.
Who needs crystal meth; take me to a book store.
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